death is so hard

God bless Va Tech. I can't imagine being one of those students or staff on that campus right now. Satan and his work on this earth are so strong. And even though this is probably no comfort to the victims and their families, I can't help but think that, thank God, Jesus is much greater than all of this, and He IS still in control!!

Death affects everyone so differently. We had an incident on Palm Sunday that has affected me so deeply. On our 30 + minute trek to church, we came upon an accident that had happened just 30-60 seconds beforehand. A young girl (early 30's, no seatbelt) was rushing back to Bowling Green where she was a BGSU student (her family lives in Defiance, where she began her journey that day). She ran a stop sign (clearly marked with flashing lights) and hit the back end of a semi. She ended up, where we found her, face down in a ditch (we have DEEP ditches around here. She was still alive but not for long. I stayed with the kids, and Russ went, along with several others, to see if they could help. All they could do was wait for the authorities and pray. Her name was Nicole, and I will never forget her. From the van, I could see most of her, hanging out of the car, white as a sheet, except for the blood. She might not have known what hit her. Let's hope not. Those of use who saw the aftermath have been affected for life.

God bless Virginia Tech. God bless Nicole's family. God bless us all.

home again, home again...

I am finally back to blogging! I hate that it has taken over two months, but anyone who has regular read my blogs knows that this is not the first time!

Since last time, I have had my "re-do" hernia surgery, and my belly is great! It took a while longer to recover, but it was all worth it. This time they had to use one big piece of surgical mesh to repair my entire abdomen...but enough of the gory stuff. It was bad enough that the surgeon gave me pictures of the whole process. He thought that since I love to learn, and have a masters in education, that I would find it interesting. I found it disgusting! But now it is done.

My back is still a mess. I have a doctor's report on that....scoliosis in the lower back, along with a disintegration of the spine, causing a "narrowing" of the spinal canal. I'll see the ortho guy next month to see what he can do. May just be a matter of shots in the spine to reduce the pain, maybe some chiropractic care or therapy for the scoliosis. Isaac and I can do that together, since we are now the scoliosis twins! And I re-injured my right knee...my old "football injury" from high school. It hyperextended on Saturday, and I am walking on and off with a cane...fun, fun. But I'll be okay. I may have to mention this latest problem to the orthopedic doctor, though! I'M OLD...I'M FALLING APART! :-)

Russ is carrying an "a" average in his masters!!!! I am proud of him. This week is an awful, bu exciting week for him. He begins some extra sub work at Wood Lane Industries, where he will work with the older "challenged" folk. He is preaching this next Sunday at church. And Thursday morning, he is taking the test to have his credentials reinstated by the Assemblies of God. Whew! God, strengthen him over the next few days.

I am trying my best to be a woman of the Word, to be a blessing to my husband. I sure could use his help around the house right now, and there are rooms I would like to paint, but i will do as much as I can by myself. It would be downright rude of me to ask anything else of him! i am busy with church work, too. I'm singing on our worship team, I'm heading up "Kidz Praise", our Sunday AM program for birth through age 12, I'm doing the bulletin, I'm starting a newsletter in may, and I am designing a website, to begin next Sunday! (puff, puff, puff....)

The kids are growing, growing, growing! We have Isaac's second parent-teacher conference of the year on Friday morning, and those are always fun...truly! He also has an eye doctor appointment immediately following. Our doctor is AMAZING when it comes to checking the kids' eyes. He is an opthamologist, specializing in special needs kids and small children. Dr. Neville is phenomenal!

Emma can't wait for Wednesday. She and I are going to the Jordan Center to get her signed up for headstart preschool in the fall. Since she STILL refuses to be potty-trained, headstart was the way to go. If she persists, they will help us potty-train her! She'll start in August.

Ronnie is almost 17 months, and still refusing to walk completely on his own. I have very strong-willed kids! So next week, our buddy Beth Instone from Help Me Grow will come and do an initial evaluation on him, and he may start Early Intervention classes, also the the Jordan Center. I may be putting three kids on the school bus instead of just one VERY SOON!

No more dogs at the Ewing house! Ellie just got too big, and she has been adopted out. We did get another cat, one that looks just like our old friend, Moe, who ran away last year. So his name is Moe Two. He is a brat, but adorable.

There's an update for you....and I'll keep on trying to journal as often as I can. Lord, help me to minister in some way through these words. I dedicate this part of my life to You, as well as every other part, every crack, every crevice. Thank You for my life, God. Thank You for my husband. Thank You for my "Zoo"! More later...

pain on the horizon

We'll try this picture thing AGAIN later. I feel so inadequate!

Happy birthday to the best man in the world. Russ is 35 years old today. I wish I could give him the world and then back up and do it all over again! He is so bright, so loving, so funny...and the best dad anywhere! Emma and I are waiting right now for Russ to get home from work so that she can give him his birthday paddling! He doesn't want to do anything tonight, but I'm at least making a family dinner...we'll go from there! I may have him get himself something special...he needs it right now...

My surgery on my abdomen is January 30th. My hernias are back and multiplying, and it hurts. But this time they are not alone...

The family doctor last week told me that I have severe degenerative back disease, with several (not a couple, several) discs in my lower back actually disintegrating. I am now facing more surgery on that in a few weeks, and maybe more than one surgery, depending on how severe it is. Dr. Dood sais that he expects two surgeries at least, but lots of time off. I'm already barely able to move, and it could get worse while recovering from surgery? AAGH!

How do I do that? I work here at home, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I've got three active (overly so at times) children, all age six and younger. I've got a husband who is already burning the candle at both ends, working, church working, looking for a new full time job, preparing us to move, and doing his masters degree. I guess if I wasn't such a "nitwit" about housecleaning, wanting everything so perfect, it wouldn't be this bad. And I have no one to help...except Tim, who is coming to stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital. But he has a heart condition, and he has his own life.

I'm really thinking of just getting more pain meds, and fighting my way through life. The doctors say that I could do that, but that my back is bad enough that, in a few years, I might face life from a wheelchair. I just don't know how we can do this...or rather, how I can put up with a filthy house! I hate that word, but it describes things pretty vividly...

I can do all things through Jesus, right? Right?????

More later...

I'm terrible at techno stuff

Okay, so I am absolutely no good at technological things. I still can't get pictures onto my blog. I know, I've done it before, but I am serious when I tell you that those incidents were sheer FLUKES! Anybody want to give me a comment, and let me know what I'm doing wrong? i'm trying to put pictures onto the blog that are .bmp files, and are in My Documents, under the subcategory My Pictures. HELP!

More painful news for me...I'm facing more surgery. Why, God? It seems that my former hernia repairs (from September) are lettting go a bit, and need redone, and I have the beginning of a new hernia on the other side. I have surgery January 30th, and face at least three days in the hospital. Yuck! I also found out yesterday that there is every possibility that I have degenerative back/disc disease in my lower back. I'll know more sometime later today or Tuesday. I'll face a lot of pain meds and possible future surgery for that! Woo Hoo!

I've often questioned why God would let us have pain of any kind. The biggest questions in my mind toward this subject came with the death of my mom, and later my dad, my dad's whole
"career" of pain, with arthritis, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and more. Plus, when Isaac was born so terribly, I wondered how God could allow Isaac to suffer anything at all, when he was so small and so vulnerable. And now Isaac may face more surgery, with a shunt repair (lengthening), and a repair of his fundoplication (stomach surgery to help with his reflux). Why, Lord?

But I also have learned, and I need to remind myself, that God does not give us anything that we can't handle. And it is never a case of handling it in our own strength...we have the Lord Himself to supply whatever we need, at whatever moment we need it. Do we need physical fortitude? God gives us plenty. Do we need peace? God says, "Shusssh" to the wind and storms we are passing through. God provides.

Provide now, Lord. The recent hernia surgery was so problematic and so painful. Give me peace and grace, and strength to see it through again. And give me the guts to start and stick with a diet and fitness program. To see that scale hit 305 pounds yesterday make me literally sick to my stomach (and it wasn't the hernias causing that queasiness). Both Dr. Dood and Dr. Lane told me that my back condition and my hernia condition were worsened greatly by my weight. It's time to make a change, and I can't do it alone, and Russ and I can't do it alone. help us, Lord.

And finally, Father God, be with Isaac. The former surgeries happened when he was so little, at a time when he would eventually forget the whole experience. But now he is six years old, and circumstances have changed. Help him to understand that it is all for his benefit. And help Isaac to gain a deeper knowledge of You, an intimate knowledge. Only You know the best way to break through his autism, etc., and make that relationship happen.

And thank You, Lord, that Ronnie and Emma are healthy at this time. Continue to help them to grow into a perfect friendship with You, even as young as they are.

More later...

The dreaded day...

It finally happened. I had a feeling it would. Everyone was telling me to expect it. But I never thought the day would come.

What happened? My three-year-old daughter cut off her hair!

On her right side, you would never know that anything ever happened. But on the left....oh, boy! So we made a quick trip to the Fiesta in the mall tonight, and now she looks like a tomboy!

Guess this is a good time to put our new family pictures on. You can remember her hair (even with the God-awful long bangs) the way that it was!

God Bless...

Let us do the right thing, Lord...

Finding God's path for your life...man, could it ever be easy? Obviously not!

That's what we are smack dab in the midst of right now. We are loving the fact that we are assistant pastors in Defiance. Sure, there are the normal problems, but nothing we can't handle with the love of God. For the majority, the people are hungry, the church is on the move...and we fit right in like family members.

Now here's the rub...we live over 30 miles away from the church...more like 35-40 miles. That's a heck of a trek every Sunday, let alone other times of the week. Since we are at the YMCA now for services, we are setting up on Saturday nights. That's hard for us to get there at the drop of a hat, and even if we can make it, the gas money will soon kill us. Now I'm coordinating kids' ministries on Sunday morning, and I'd like to, eventually, be close by the do visitation, etc. during the week. The midweek kids' and youth ministries (Russ' babies) are starting soon, and then, once warm weather returns, we are planning a LOT of outreach activities. Add those miles up sometime. It's mind-blowing. Now I'm checking with Pastor about "Sweet Mondays", the ladies' group. If no one is heading it up, I'd like to. My mom did it, why can't I? And Russ wants the mens' prayer breakfast to "Break Out"as soon as it can...but we are far away. Every time we men tion to Pastor Larry that we can do this or that, he shuts us down, saying that we'll wait until we live closer.

Russ has already applied for some jobs. He hasn't heard anything, but it has also been a holiday week, plus we had holiday shutdowns for the funeral of former President Gerald Ford. It could take some extra time. He has also registered with the Job Services in Defiance, and could hear something from them anytime.

On my side, I won't be looking for a job quite yet, because my hands are so full with the kids. I may do music lessons once we move (a distinct possibility), and maybe return to Pampered Chef next fall or in a year or so. But I need to consider moving Isaac to a new school, praying that the program is as good as or at least comparable to Wood Lane (I've heard good and bad about Good Samaritan, the school in Defiance). Then there is Emma, who starts preschool in the fall. Do we consider the county preschool for her (that would be at Good Sam), or something else?

I've been studying Oswald Chambers' book, MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST, starting this week. Yesterday's devotional spoke hard to me:

"He went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8

Chambers writes this: 'Have you been "out" in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question -- "What do you expect to do?" You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder -- you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is going to be a "going out", building in confidence on God. "Take no thought for your life, ...nor yet for your body" -- take no thought for the things for which you did take thought before you "went out".'

'Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?'

'Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him -- what an impertinence worry is! let the attitude of your life be a continual "going out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. you have to learn to go out of convictions, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God.'

Holy Cow! I thank God for men like Oswald Chambers, who wrote from his heart, out of his experiences. I want to "go out"...daily. Lord, you helped my belief in 2006. Now help my unbelief.

Have a blessed one....everyone!

Here we are, in a brand new year. Where has the time gone?

Christmas was absolutely wonderful for us this year. The kids have gotten everything they wanted, from us, from Wood Lane, and from St. Louis Parish (the latter two both adopted us for the holidays....phenomenal!). A lot of their presents have been musical instruments, keyboards, a guitar (actually, that's coming today at my family get-together), and microphones. Is someone trying to make us a family band? Daddy got his MP3, Momma got her new under-the-counter coffee maker and a stand mixer. Plus, right now all of us are pretty healthy. We are blessed. Isn't that what really matters? Not the gifts...but the blessings from God. We have them brand new every day!

Lord, the rest of this blog I am talking to You. You know I don't usually make resolutions, because they never last long. but last year I started something, and it worked out pretty well, so I intend to do it again. I have a theme verse for this new year, 2007, and it is one that I will meditate on every day, along with a lot of related verses. My theme this year is taking me back to the very basics of communication with You... prayer. My life, starting here, starting now, is totally based on prayer.

"My people, my God-defined people, (if you) respond by humbling yourselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning your backs on your wicked lives, I'll be there ready for you; I'll listen from heaven, forgive your sins, and restore your land to health..."

II Chronicles 7:14 ("The Message)

Most of the time, Lord, I know this scripture best as what follows, particularly because there were a couple of songs written around it:

"If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Prayer is the beginning of everything in our lives, or rather, it should be. Everything this family of mine wants to do in this new year, and from here on out will start with talking to You, God, and getting Your blessing, or it just won't happen. Period. I'm not talking about those common sense things, like, "Should I go to the bathroom now, God, or should I wait?" In those cases, if you gotta go, you gotta go! But in all the IMPORTANT, life-changing aspects of our lives at home, at school, at work, at church...You, God, will begin them.

I know full well, Lord, that You have also take both Russ and I to this scripture:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain."

Psalm 127:1

Look at how the Message lays it out:

"If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks. If God doesn't guard the city, the night watchmen might as well nap".

You've also shown us the story of Moses in Exodus 33:

"Moses said to the Lord, 'You have been telling me, 'Lead these people', but You have not let me know whom You will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If You are so pleased with me, teach me Your ways so that I may know You and continue to find favor with You. Remember that this nation is Your people.' The Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.' Then Moses said to Him, 'If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that You are pleased with me and with Your people unless You go with us? What else will distinguish me and Your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?' And the Lord said to Moses, 'I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.' Then Moses said, 'Now show me Your glory.'

I don't ever want to get ahead of God. He has made himself so real to me in 2006; He has proven his power and His presence to me numerous times, in such real, practical ways that I could almost hear Him breathing. He's real, and my life with Him needs to be real, open, honest. And His presence needs to be with me every step of the way.

Isn't it that way for us all? I wonder how many people ever really consider how much they do without God? I see a few at our church now, that run of, "half-cocked" as my dad and mom used to say, doing what they think is the right thing to do, and barrelling down everyone in their path. It's not right, God. Our closeness with You, especially in this awful day and age, is VITAL. Why can't everyone see that?

Lord, be with Russ, and me, and with each of our kids in 2007. Be with all of us at First Assembly in Defiance. We know already some of the plans You have for us. Help us as we bring them to fruition. Be with us each and every step of the way. And thank You for always being there, for never changing. SHow me more of You, Lord. I really want to see Your glory. I need to see it. I need more of You. I love You, Lord...and I'll talk to You again.....VERY SOON.

More later..........