Another miracle....thank You, Lord!

There are times when I think of the words to the old song (well, the Gaither Vocal Band has re-recorded it, so it's not that old, I guess) that was written by Kris Kristofferson.

"Why me, Lord? What have I ever done to deserve even one of the pleasures I've known?
Tell me, Lord. What did I ever do that was worth loving You, or the kindness You've shown?"

"Try me, Lord, if You think there's a way I could try to repay all I've taken from You.
Then maybe, Lord, I could show someone else what I've been through myself on my way back to you."

"Lord, help me, Jesus, I've wasted it so, help me, Jesus; I know what I am.
But now that I know that I've needed You so, help me, Jesus. My soul's in Your hands."

Why do I think of those words? Well, I look at the ways that God has touched my life, and the lives of my family, beginning with grandparents, then Mom and Dad (especially Dad healthwise, and Mom talentwise), and then me, Russ, and the kids.....and I can't believe that the God of the entire universe would love me so much that He would even look my way, let alone love me so much to give His life for me, and to show me Himself in such brilliant ways.

It happened again just the other week. A few blogs ago, I recounted a healing service where I am sure that God began the process of delivering me from the mental problems that I have had all of my life (go back a little in case you missed it!). Well, things have been so different, so much clearer for me. yet it is a day to day, step by step process. I have had some really awful moments since then, multiplied by the thought that "Hey, I thought God healed me of this! What's going on?"

Then my physical health has not been good, and I've finally been honest enough to say that it hasn't been good for nearly 12 months now. It began six months into the pregnancy with Ronnie, and worsened considerably immediately after his birth. Pain, bad pain in my head, hips, abdomen..."monthly" bleeding that was like bleeding to death. I actually was wearing Depends to help with that, and it was lasting 9 to 10 days every month, almost every three weeks. I've always been slightly anemic; anybody can tell that by looking at how pale I am, even after being in the sun. But the anemia is horrible. My iron count is terribly low, and I look it!

SO, about four or five weeks back, I had surgery. The OB-GYN tried to do a pap smear/check-up on me the Friday before, and found that my uterus was the size of that of a woman who was 23-24 weeks pregnant. the problem is.....I can't be pregnant, and I wasn't. There was "something " in there that was keeping her from even entering my uterus....and the pain.....AAGH!

So she performed a "removal", a "D and C", and an ablation, which literally means that she caulderized the entire inner lining of my uterus. What she removed was a LARGE amount of fleshy tissue, about the size of two softballs. It took almost two weeks to discover that they were NOT cancerous (they sent them to Cleveland Clinic, due to their size and hardness). But now, the anemia continues. I haven't had a period yet, and I may not. This may send me into menopause (FINE BY ME!) and that could be part of the problem. I am wiped out, and have been for almost a month now!

It came down to a Friday afternoon when I had had enough. Russ was so busy with the mission, working third shift, getting rest, and interviewing for a pastoral job, and he just wasn't giving me a lot of help around the house and with the kids. The kids were being normal toddlers, and were driving me up one wall, and back down again, over and over again.

Long story short.....which is impossible with me.....here is an e-mail I sent to our pastor that tells the story of possibly the greatest afternoon of my life to this point:

Actually, it had been building up for several months, with all of the illness and such that I've since six months into my pregnancy with Ronnie. It was exactly 12 months ago when the pain, etc. began, and continues. It is part of what they are checking into now, with my anemia, and everything else. At least, Praise the Lord, we know it is not cancer. That much is done. But, no matter what I do right now, I am tired, I am hurting and aching, and I am struggling.

But on Friday, I came to a breaking point, a literal moment when my mind and body said, "I quit". I couldn't stand the hurting any longer, I had kept a smile on my face for too long, in my opinion. The kids were driving me up a wall and back down again, as little ones will do. Russ was sleeping, as he does quite a bit with this third shift position. SO.....I was on my own, and I was ready to stop everything. Suicidal? To some extent, yes. I just longed for rest and relaxation. I just wanted someone to talk everything over with, someone very close to me and the situation. Russ was in bed, the kids are too young, my sister lives too far away and I can't afford the long distance, my parents and my in-laws are all in heaven now. I felt totally alone, and I wanted nothing more than to be with the one best friend that I had besides Jesus and Russ. I wanted my mom very badly. To say that I was in tears is making light of the entire situation. All I could think of was the way we used to go out for lunch, or "just for fun" shopping, and how we would talk our heads off. I thought about how I always picked up the phone and called Mom to let her know my latest news. Always. I couldn't stand it. It was extreme physical exhaustion, leading to a problem with my bipolar past, and I had NOTHING to give.....I mean absolutely nothing. So I was crying, and I was journaling on our laptop, as I tend to do A LOT! I had just written these words:

"I just need to talk to a friend, a close friend. Oh, I know that Jesus hears me. I've known that all my life...all my life, even when I wasn't really walking with Him. But right now, my faith is ebbing very low. It's like the old saying, "The heavens are as brass". It doesn't even feel like He's real right now. I pray, and all I hear is "bang, bang, bang" as the prayers come right back down and attack me".

As I pressed the period key on the computer, the phone rang. I picked up the phone, and, as usual, looked at the caller ID. I didn't know the name from Adam, so I decided not to answer. I figured if it was important, they'd call back. I didn't even make it back to the laptop before the phone rang again. Same number, same caller...so I gave in and answered.

Turns out it was Hilde Zeglen, one of the ladies who had prayed for me, and shared with me, and anointed me, and more at one of the Thursday night Healing Services several weeks ago. I shared with you about that night and the deliverance I experienced. She was calling to find out the name of the Christian psychiatrist and counselor that I go to, so that she could refer a friend of hers to them. After I gave her the information, she began to share with me lots of things, beginning with her enjoyment of my singing and music ministry, and ending with a recap of that prayer service.

She reminded me of the pledge made that night, that everyone there would pray for me everytime God brought me to their mind, so that they could be my Aaron and my Hur, and so that they could hold me up, as those men held up the arms of Moses during his weakened moments. And she said that God had brought me to her mind Friday morning. And then it began. She began to speak to me the things that God had given to her directly for my benefit.

Long story short, the things that she shared with me...only God knew those things. She had even made some notes in her Bible to share with me at sometime, and God told her Friday afternoon that NOW was the time. But she literally repeated to me everything that I had EVER been through, even going back to my toddler years, and she repeated the very things that I had been thinking, my fears, my weaknesses....all of it, down to the exact words that I had prayed to the Lord. The EXACT wording. I was flabbergasted, Pastor. If God hadn't told her those things, then she would have had to have been a fly on the walls of my mind!

Then she began to share with me the same Scriptures that some ladies shared with me at the altar a couple of Sundays ago....the same verses.....the same words. She shared with me from the 23rd Psalm, and how God WAS protecting me, with His rod and His staff...even in the very midst of all of my enemies, physical and supernatural.

Then she said that God knew that I doubted that He really heard me, that I had been thinking that prayer was really just for us, to help our faith, and that He didn't have time to really hear, that the "heavens were brass" (sound familiar?), and she said, "Shari, He's been there all along. He was there...." and she began to share specific moments in my life, again...ONLY GOD COULD HAVE KNOWN THOSE THINGS.

She asked me to find some oil and to anoint myself. Russ always keeps some anointing oil in the house, so I did as she asked. And she prayed "the house down", as some would say. And with every word, God became so real... I could feel His literal presence in the room. I could feel a literal touch. I've never been there before...I couldn't rise from my chair, and didn't for a LONG time on Friday. Once we ended the phone call (which was quite a while), I returned to the laptop, but all I could type was "wow wow wow wow"......

:)

I thank God for the Prayer Center, and for those people who are on the prayer teams. I am one who can truly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been physically and spiritually CHANGED and STRENGTHENED by the presence of Almighty God in that place, and in its people.

I can't help but talk about this. I've shared it everywhere (doctor's offices, friends' houses, neighbors, strangers). I cannot wait until I get another chance to share it. He is God alone......He was........He is.......and He forever will be! I know that my healing is a process, and that's fine. But I now have the strength (not my strength, because I have NONE) to go on. He is with us, every minute, listening and hearing everything, no matter who we are or what we are going through. The God of Creation is with ME...


See what I mean? How could I ever deserve all that He has done? But thank the Lord, He makes me His child, worthy of His love. Just the fact that His presence is ALWAYS with me, even at this moment, absolutely blows me away!

How close is He to you today? Closer than you think....or as close as you allow Him to be....

More later....

Changes....they are a-coming...

Well, since August is almost over, I'd better blog a little. I'm finding myself doing more journaling on my laptop than I am doing this. But I'll try to keep up. I know there a few of you out there who check in on this regularly!

Changes are big in this house. Russ is now an associate pastor at Solid Rock Ministries of Greater Toledo (actually in the Oregon District, east side). He officially begins next Monday with his first staff meeting, and our last Sunday at Dayspring in Bowling Green is September 10th. It is a bittersweet change, because we love the BG church, but we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the time to move. We have spent time with Pastor Keith and Shannon and their family (Solid Rock), and that only confirms it! I'll sing my final offertories at Dayspring this Sunday. Don't know what I will sing yet. I usually wait for this little "green flag"in my heart on a song.....haven't seen it yet.

And...I am now a Pampered Chef consultant. Or at least I am trying to be a consultant. My official "first month" is October, but I'm having an open house, and a couple of catalog parties in September to get me going, and to get a special sign-on bonus of some great new cutlery! Anyone out there interested in having a party? 419-669-3040 or theewings99@wcnet.org!
I'm serious! I'll take it any way I can get it!

Isaac is starting to talk up a storm! He says his ABC's (and sings them in perfect tune, mind you), his name, most of our names, and it is obvious that he's not just mimicking us. He is such a miracle. This is what we've been waiting for for almost six years!

Emma is still having some behavior problems (extremes, like hurting herself), so she is going to have a play study done at our local children's resource center, and then, depending on what they see, she may see a children's psychologist. I really think a lot of it is wanting so desperately to be the absolutely center of attention, she will go "all out"! Sometimes that makes her bang her head on the floor, even if the floor is concrete! We'll get this figured out!

Ronnie will be ten months old Friday. He has his 9 month check-up today (better late than never!). I'll be interested to see how big he is! Isaac has his school check-up tomorrow, and I will be equally as interested to see ho he has grown. Emma had a quick check with Dr. Lemon last week (for the CRC referral), and she now weighs 40 pounds on the dot, and is 39 inches tall!
I've got some tall kids!

Sometimes I wish they would grow up even faster, especially when it comes to helping pick up after themselves....but then I think.......I love my babies, and I'll miss them when they are grown. I waited so long to have them (I was 37 when Isaac was born, 40 with Emma, and 42 with Ronnie), and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

More coming up.....

A big step is coming up

Here's an e-mail that I sent out to several of our friends and family today. It tells a lot about the change that is coming soon to our little family:

We have a prayer need for all of you to remember. I know that we have come to you many times for prayer needs; this is perhaps one of the most important prayer needs in our lives.

We are now in the process of returning to fulltime ministry (yes, this means that we eventually may be leaving the Bowling Green/Toledo area, possibly even Ohio, going to wherever God leads!). Russ and I both know our calling, received a long time ago from the Lord. We also know that He has had us in a different place for a few years, changing us, molding us, refining us. But now we can no longer resist the call. This does NOT mean that the move will happen tomorrow; then again, it might. Only He knows.

Russ had his initial interview to get his credentials back with the Assemblies of God Monday, and all is great. We have some hurdles to cross, due to the past, but they are nothing we can't handle with the Lord's help. Now we have possibly been offered a staff pastorate (outreach-missions) in the Toledo area. We'll see what happens!! We'll meet with our pastor, Pastor Allen, on Monday to talk and pray with him, and then we have set up meetings with other area pastors later next week. The support within the fellowship is terrific, and we are excited to see what God has in store.

We love each and every one of you, and hope that you'll remember the Ewings tonight in your prayers.

Quick update:

Isaac is enjoying day camp at his school for the next couple of weeks (they are being "superheroes" all summer. He is "Isaac the Incredible"!!!). He is beginning to talk like crazy, copying everything, saying his ABC's, counting, singing, doing gymnastics, swimming....he is such a miracle! he is doing EVERYTHING the doctors once said he would never be able to do!

Emma is wishing she was old enough for school already, because she misses her big brother/best buddy when he goes away in the morning on the bus! She is singing and dancing all the time, our little entertainer. She has a HUGE vocabulary, and is constantly surprising us with her sense of humor (as well as her sense of being a smart aleck at times. Now where would she get that?)

Ronnie is now 8 months old and weighs over 25 pounds, 30 inches tall....a big boy! He is crawling, sitting up on his own, and definitely trying to work on his leg muscles at any given chance! It won't be long now, and he'll be tearing up the place with his brother and sister. He is a handful, but a great big joy!! He is also a bit of a momma's boy, so he won't let me out of his sight very often!

Russ continues working at Cherry Street Mission (3rd shift -- rough shift in the inner city), and it is a hard ministry, yet one he enjoys. He now teaches classes and bible studies at the mission, and handles some chapel sessions. He is also completing a masters degree (Master of Divinity) at Liberty University. He switched from a counseling degree and is doing VERY well.

Momma here is fine. I'm just fighting the never ending war of getting this house of ours organized. Some of the battles are victories lately, so that gives me hope. But what do I expect with three little ones? I'm still singing as often as I can, and would love to look into recording a CD, but the funds are greatly lacking. I do some computer work for Russ' classes, and am now possibly considering a counseling degree myself! Who knows? I've also thought about getting my credentials in special ministries, either music or education or drama. We'll wait in the Lord, and see.

We also have a new, very special member of our family. his name is Tim McGovern. Tim is a resident at Cherry Street, a man whose life God has turned around completely. He is just five years older than me (so he's VERY young!!). I know he would not mind me telling you that he was a heroin addict for 19 years (as he says, "your basic mess"), and just this last year, through God's power, and Russ' ministry, Tim was delivered. Tim now lives with us 3-4 days a week. Eventually it will be more permanent. He is a huge help, the kids call him "Papi Tim", and we love him very much. He says the feeling is very mutual. Hopefully some or all of you can meet Tim soon...we know you will love him, too. Cherry Street is preparing to hire him on staff, because he has passed every course they have. Tim is an angel sent from above! It has been discussed, and if we go, he is going, too. He IS family now, and a very happy family we are!

Keep us in your thoughts!

More later...

Another friend is gone...

This has been a very rough night...

Most of you who "tune in" to this blog know that my husband and I are very BIG pet people. Well, tonight, our longtime baby, our oldest cat, Sass, passed away. He's been sick for a while now, with some type of seizure disorder. His last seizure must have brought on a heart attack or something. When Russ came home tonight, he found Sass in the litter box (thank God, it was clean!), and he was curled up, like he was sleeping. But he was gone.

I felt like a heel. I was playing with the kids only six feet away from that room. I don't know what I could have done, but at least I could have comforted him and said goodbye. The kids are okay now. Emma called for Sass for about fifteen-twenty minutes after Russ and Tim took Sass away for burial. When I told Isaac what happened, he cried for a little while, and then he went and held his cat, Babe. That was his refuge, I guess. This is all made doubly hard by the fact that Sass' litter mate, Moe, ran away in May. He's been seen around our neighborhood, but we have yet to bring him home. The other three cats are walking around, like, "Geez, first Moe, now Sass? We better shape up!"

I'll miss you Sass. You made me work at being a member of this family when I first fell in love with your daddy. But you became a little love, and I'll miss feeling your purr against my legs at naptime. Tell everyone at Jesus' house that we said hello, and that we love them, too. I know that Little Bit, Snoopy, PeeWee, Grandma Pat, Grandpa Ron, and lots of others were there to meet you, holding cans of tuna & oil in their hands. I love you, sweetie.

I'm looking for a picture of Sass to publish. That's coming soon. He was eleven years old, and he was beautiful.

A Brand New Me

Something happened almost two weeks ago, something that I have to share. Let me share a copy of an e-mail that I've already sent out:


Charlie:

GOD IS GOOD. I am a new person tonight, thanks to His grace. Thanks so much for letting me share that personal stuff. It was difficult (to say the least), but it truly was part of my healing, just to hear myself say those words!

I wanted you to read the message (BIG message) that I sent Pastor Steve tonight. This testimony is part of my very being right now. And I want you to know how much it meant to me when you talked about everyone praying for me, whenever God brought me to their mind, and holding up their hands as they prayed, as if they were literally holding me up. I already feel those hands, that love, and that support! What a marvelous sustenance!

I can't wait to share with EVERYONE. People need to know that lives are being changed in that Prayer Center, even the lives of those many might have thought "had it all together".


Here's that letter:

Pastor Steve:

Thanks so much for the wonderful words you shared tonight in the healing service. Sorry that you had to leave, because things got very interesting once we started to pray! I guess you could say they really got interesting for me, and I have such an exciting testimony already!

I was planning on coming to the service tonight, even if I hadn't been asked to sing alto. In fact, this service has been on my heart and mind for about three weeks now. This is directly a result of what's been happening to Russ and to me lately.

I think you already know that Russ and I pastored before we moved up here. We were the pastors of my home church, or (sadly enough) what was left of it, in Celina. The Celina AG, once a thriving, moving church, had dwindled over the years to a group of about 20 elderly folks, who weren't interested in anything having to do with excitement or change, or the Spirit moving. It wasn't a great situation, and it worsened after Isaac's birth. The people decided they couldn't handle Isaac's condition, my illness, etc., etc., and they fired us. It was a very hurtful thing, and we were pretty bitter for quite a while. God has since taken care of that, and we know that God moved us here, He took what was intended for evil, and He made something good. Up here in NW Ohio, we were able to find doctors who, by God's grace and mercy, were able to save Isaac's life. We lost everything we had, but we had our beautiful blessing in the shape and form of Isaac. Now, just in the past 2-3 weeks, God has been VERY SERIOUSLY reminding us of that calling on our lives. We are looking forward to going back into fulltime church ministry. Russ has been in conference with Columbus, and Doug is helping him get his credentials back. They are even talking about me getting my special ministries credentials. Who knows what God has in store!

What most folks don't know (until tonight...Pastor Alvin and Joann were the only ones aware of this part of my life) is that following Isaac's birth and our bankruptcy, I was so guilt ridden (guilt over Isaac's problems, guilt over losing our jobs at my home church, etc., etc.), I had three nervous breakdowns over the course of four months, beginning Labor Day of 2001. I was hospitalized for a number of weeks in a mental hospital. I know first hand what they mean by "rubber room". etc. I lived it. My subsequent diagnoses were: Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Agoraphobia, and borderline Schizophrenia, leading to personality disorder. Pretty serious, huh? It was....I have been on a cocktail of medications since that time, a cocktail which is constantly being tweaked and changed, not only for my two other pregnancies, but also because of the severity of this chemical imbalance and mental illness. I have been well maintained, shall we say, for a few years now. I am on disability pay because of it. For the past year, I've been doing great. My meds are down to slight amounts of many different kinds, and that's a big change, and I've been feeling great, even through Ronnie's birth and the infections he and I both had following that pregnancy.

BUT...in the past few weeks, since God has been speaking so LOUDLY to us, Satan has taken my illness, and worsened it unbelievably. Long story short (too late, right?), it got so bad last week that my personality disorder kicked in and I don't even remember last Friday. I remember Thursday night, tucking the kids in, sending Russ to work, going to bed.......and the next thing I knew, I woke up in my bed, in different clothing, and it was a few minutes after midnight, FRIDAY NIGHT. I was petrified. The only memories (so called) that I have of that entire day was being extremely angry, and working with some pictures of ours. that's it. Russ has since told me that I was just awful, to everybody, almost to the point of being uncontrollable.

That brings me to tonight. I had already decided to attend because I have decided that I am DONE. After Pastor Matt's sermon Sunday, I confirmed in my spirit that my identity is NOT as a mentally ill person. I am a daughter of the King. I am finished with the confusion, the pain (literal pain) that the depression/highs cause, and the total disruption of my family. I am ready to wean off of these meds, and to move forward into what God has for me. I was also ready to claim grace for Emma, since this illness is one that is in most of the female members of my family. I was ready to declare the curse at an end. But God wanted me to do it publicly; He wanted me to share this secret area of my as part of my healing, taking away my shame. And I have been ashamed. I had just figured that this illness was my "thorn". Paul had his thorn in his flesh, and I had mine. But I will not accept that now. I just had to proclaim it publicly.

And I did just that. It was possibly the hardest moment of my life. But I was honest, and shared it all. The entire group then sat me down in a chair, anointed me, and began to pray, to proclaim the promises of God, and to literally stomp on the devil's head. I gave it all up, at that moment. Diane Sitter leaned over me, and hugged my head, and began to pray for God's peace, for an end to the confusion, to the shame, to the pressure. When she backed up, it felt like a ten ton weight went with her, off of my chest, and I was able to breath like I've NEVER been able to breath in my 43 year life. The freedom was incredible, Pastor Steve. The Spirit of God was so sweet in that Prayer Center, I didn't want to leave. We then began to pray for Midge, and I was able to lead out in a prayer in my spiritual language, something I've never been comfortable doing. We even ended the night singing Waymaker, believe it or not! (Bless Bryce Jennings's heart, he loves that song, and he just began to play it!).

What a night! When I got home, I shared with Russ, and he said he could sense my excitement before I even opened the door. After Russ left for work, I went in and prayed over my sleeping kids, I prayed through our hallway, the living room, the kitchen, our bedrooms, and even in the bathrooms. The cats were looking at me like "What's up?" But I prayed for the peace that only God can give, that peace that passes all human understanding, to permeate the walls, the furniture, the carpet, the cupboards, the appliances, and most importantly, to permeate our lives, our coming and our going, our wakefulness, and our sleep. Thank you Lord!

I told Russ that he has a new wife now. I am not sure if he believed that or not, (LOL), but it is true. I just had to e-mail you before bed and let you know. I have to shout this testimony from the rooftops! God is the Healer, God is our Peace, God is my Daddy, and He is proud of me and loves me, no matter what. Our family is now free of this curse that has plagued us for decades. Emma is covered by His blood, and the trouble will simply pass her over. I believe that! And all of that guilt that I felt, that I kept picking up over and over again in my way of keeping some control, was unnecessary, because He already bore it on the cross. I cannot be condemned, because I am His baby girl.

Can you tell I'm bubbling?

See you Sunday! I just had to share!!!!!!!!

Shari

:-)


So you see, I'm a brand new me. Things aren't perfect, but God is working. Of course, so is satan, but the words keep coming back to me: IT IS FINISHED!

Here are the other words that I keep singing day by day...two songs:

He gives strength to me as I worship Him,
And my mouth is filled with praise.
Jesus breaks the bands as I lift my hands,
And gives glorious liberty.

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above.
Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray,
In fathomless billows of love.

Thank You, Lord, that I am truly under Your wings.

God is Good, Even when we feel bad!

Dear Lord, what a week we have had! It all started with Isaac last Tuesday waking up with a slight temp. Before we knew it, the slight temp turned into 103 degrees. Of course, he was just feeling like....well, you know. Then on Wednesday night, I saw the rash. The doctor on Thursday said that he had a good case of strep throat. And when she saw the rash she changed it to scarlet fever. Apparently immunizations mean nothing to this boy! I mean, he had chickenpox a couple of months ago, and now this. Ronnie was diagnosed with a slight ear infection, so she put him on antibiotics, too, but Emma was fine. Fine, that is, until Friday. Her temp appeared that morning, and by afternoon, she was also diagnosed with strep, and she was vomiting in the church lobby! Woo Hoo!

Tim (Poppi) got sick Sunday with a massive ear infection. It is one of the really bad ones. His eardrum ruptured, and everything.

Now it is me. My entire body is aching, my throat is killing me, my head hurts. So, I ask you, why is it, on nights like these, that my husband wants to "spend time with me"? I told him to play his new X-Box game and relax!

Tomorrow will be a really hard day for him. The auction of his Mom's estate is tomorrow. Mom Ewing never had much, and now the state of Ohio wants 250 thousand dollars as payback for all of her years and years of Medicaid bills. But the house is only worth 40 thousand dollars. Hopefully, the lawyer says, the state will go ahead and split the profit from the house between Russ and his sister. That's after they pay Russ' uncle the 9 thousand dollars that he had in lien on the house. If he keeps his word, Uncle Bill will split that money between Russ and Rhonda, too. But, Lord forgive me, I'm not holding my breath.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves -- so-called Christians who act very holier than thou most of the time, and then cheat everybody, especially their own family. It has happened before with this uncle and his wife, and I truly believe it will happen again. Readers, friends, neighbors, pray for Russ. He wants to talk it out with his uncle, and he wants to do it in the way that God would have him do it. But there is a lot of bitterness there. God help him.

Disorganized? Who, me?

I simply cannot believe that it has been almost three months since my last entry. Sorry friends and family who check in every once in a while, but life is nuts! I've applied for jobs to go back to work, been refused, decided now to stay home. Russ has started grad school, but now has to drop out for a while because of our money situation. And he is looking for another part time job to supplement the income from the mission.

But on the exciting side, Russ has decided to get his credentials back with the A/G. I am so glad. We are now looking ahead to getting back into the pastoral ministry! This is a relief, really, because I married a pastor! I missed it, even though it is an extremely hard job to be a pastor's wife.

It does upset me greatly that I didn't get the jobs I applied for, but I truly believe this is all in God's timing. I am meant to stay with my children for now. I am meant to be a housewife. I am meant to be a pastor's wife. I know that. It just hurts to know that I am not contrbuting financially to the family like I would wish. I still have my disability monies, but it is not much.

Speaking of disabilities, I've been having a lot of trouble with the bipolarity lately. It's been so bad that I don't even remember last Friday, except for a few dreamy memories. And those memories are NOT good. Russ says that he doesn't like that Shari. I hate her, too. The stress has been HUGE, and I know that it is the largest contributing factor. I'm doing my best to reduce it (ha!).

One of my bigger reliefs comes in the package of Time McGovern. He's a program resident at Cherry Street, and he is now a member of our family, and that is no joke. He is Poppi Tim (sometimes Uncle Tim) to the kids, and he is a great big brother to Russ and I. He lives with us on the weekends, and we've informed him (and he has heartily agreed) that wherever God leads us in ministry, he is coming along. He is a true blessing to the entire family.

We've lost Moe. He isn't dead, or so we think. He's run off. He has been seen by some folks in the park, or near the park, so we are still hopeful that he could come home. If not, we hope that he has found a place to live out his years in comfort and happiness. But I really miss that LOUD meow of his in the morning!!

More later (I promise)...

It Didn't Last Long

Well, we no longer have our precious little puppies. Last weekend, we surrendered them to the Maumee Valley Animal Shelter. They have a no kill policy, which I truly appreciate. It was just way too much to have an autistic five year old, a two year old, a baby, five cats, two untrained puppies, and a busy husband. I was losing my mind...literally! I hate it, though, in a way, because once again we have failed in the training and keeping of a dog. Russ and I have discussed it, and we are now going to wait until the kids are bigger, and are able to take on some responsibility for a dog. Also, maybe by then we will have a bigger place. Until then, it is just the cats. And they seem to have settled down now. There are still messes, don't get me wrong, but at least our home doesn't smell like "Poop City" anymore. After changing three kids in diapers, cleaning out three litter boxes (never soon enough for our cats), and then cleaning up after constantly pooping puppies, I'm amazed I didn't run out the door screaming!

More later.....

Okay, one more try.

Did I say that I was getting good at this? How wrong I was!

Okay, here is Isaac, my beautiful miracle boy. Can you tell that he is eating us out of house and home now? And he really loves his new school, our local MRDD school. They are wonderful. He goes swimming nearly every day, he is now eating with utensils, and he is starting successfully at potty training! I love his tenacity!!!

And I'll also try to get the new puppies' pictures on here. Roscoe P. Coltrane Ewing is the basset with the black face, and Lulu Coltrane Hogg Ewing is the Brown face girl. They are cute, at least in their pictures!

Okay, it looks like I have success. Now I'll publish and see what happens. Geez, by the time I get this done, my kids will be grown and out of the house!

More Photos for y'all

Let's try this again!~~~~~~For some reason, only Emma's picture came out last time. I'll try to get the other three here....if not, they'll come later!

This first one is the baby, Ronnie!!! Four months old, and gorgeous!! His personality is something else, too. And I'm proud to say that he is a momma's boy!

He never catches a break

Been a while.....not like I'm busy or anything....

We are in a battle right now with the Social Security Administration. My husband told me not to say anything about this on the blog, but at this point, I don't care. We are filing for SS Disability for Isaac, because of his CP, autism, mental retardation and developmental delays, etc., etc., etc. We were refused because they said we made too much money or had too much in resources. They got their figures from some ballpark numbers that Russ gave them over the phone. He didn't know he was giving them final figures. They had us making 150 dollars too much; however, they had our 1600 dollar truck listed at 2000 dollars, and our small 40 dollar a month checking account listed at 250 dollars, just like our regular checking account. The only thing we use the smaller checking account for is to pay the monthly tab for my gym membership.

Obviously we are way below their standard, but they didn't see it that way. So we are filing an appeal. We are gathering all of our eggs, and we are going to get this financing for Isaac. The problem was the attitude of the service reps that I was talking to. They are outright insinuating that we are trying to make money from our son! How rude, and how wrong. I can't believe that after all Isaac has been through, here he is in another battle for something he definitely deserves. In his five years of life, he has never caught a break! I may also contact our congressman about this. The rep told me that it was my fault anyway, because Congress made the rules, and I elected them! So....I'll contact that man I elected, and let him know what I think of these reps whose brochure promises that they will be pleasant and helpful!

I've been losing my mind anyway lately. Not just because of all this SS stuff, but we now have two basset hound puppies (Happy Valentines Day!). Roscoe and Lulu are a HANDFUL! So now I am daily dealing with five cats, two puppies, a four month old infant who is the size right now of a nine month old, a two year old toddler who thinks she's 22, and a five year old autistic son. That's not even counting picking up after my 34 year old husband! AAGH! My life is so full that I want to scream! I think I need Nanny 911 or Supernanny to come to thins house and give me some useful suggestions! She'd probably run away, insanely screaming!!!!! Russ says I wanted them, too, which is partly true. I love them, but let's be honest. He never outright asked me if I wanted the puppies. I just never disagreed with him because it wouldn't have worked! Once he gets his mind set on something, there is no stopping him!

Like the new photos? I'm getting the hang of this! Later...

Thanks to a good man...

Let's start this post with some happy thoughts....pictures of our kids. Aren't they beautiful? I know the directions of the pictures are all over the place....but I'm terrible at this! I also know that three of the five pictures are of Emmy...but she's the little poser! She loves to have her picture taken! I promise more of Isaac and Ronnie next time...

We received some horrible news last night. One of Isaac's pulmonologists (lung doctors), Stephen Snedden, was hit from behind while riding his bike on River Road. The driver of the SUV was drunk, and didn't stop after the accident. Dr. Snedden was pronounced dead at the scene. They caught the man who did it, and he should be charged soon. Does this sound mean? I hope they throw the book at him.

Stephen Snedden was one of the wonderful men at Toledo Childrens Hospital who saved Isaac's life more than once. We own our son's life to Dr. Snedden and the rest of that team, and he will never be forgotten by this family, that's for sure.

More from me later...

It's a new year...

Happy 2006, everyone! It's so hard to believe it. It seemed like forever until 1981, the year I graduated from high school, and now I'll be celebrating my 25th graduation anniversary!

I love New Years. I remember my dad saying that it was another time to start over, clean slate. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that with our bills, and our debts? But we can with our relationships. I want my husband and my family to know that I love them more with each passing day. I want the Lord to know that I love Him more with each passing minute. This life that I have been given is so blessed, and so wonderful. In years past, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is now. But even with all our difficulties, I love my life here on earth. And now that Mom and Dad are both gone, I love looking forward to my life later in heaven with them and with Jesus.

My prayer for 2006 is that I draw as close as humanly possible to God, and then I'll be drawm even closer in my relationships here on earth.

What is wrong with people who drink themselves into oblivion on nights like this? Is it that they don't want to think about their life like I do? Thank God that I'm not in that state any more.

More later...

I'm back with a new look!

Hello!!! It's been so long since I blogged, I almost forgot how to do it!

Much has happened since September, the last time I checked in. The biggest change is my newest baby boy, Ronnie! He is a big boy, weighing 8 pounds even at birth on November 1, 2005, and today weighing in at almost 14 pounds! He and I have had a rough time of it, having contracted a staff infection and another bacterial infection during my pregnancy, but we are both great now!

Here's a current picture of the Ewing gang.....more from us later! Happy New Year, everybody! Our prayer is that God's blessings on you this year would be new, fresh, and full!

How do you do it?

I just have one question for all the ladies out there: How do you get the man in your life to understand what clean is and what clean isn't? I'm close to being on bedrest, and our house is a disaster. Some ladies in our church are helping out, but I'm embarrassed to have them come in the house with it looking like this. it's not just in needing of a good dusting. We are talking major mess. Food everywhere...crumbs everywhere...trash bags full of stinky trash everywhere. And he says "well, not much to do in the way of cleaning!" Any suggestions? I love my husband, but I know that he grew up with a dad who didn't care about such things, a mom who was disabled and couldn't do housework, and a grandma who did everything for him and his sister.......help! He also gets very upset when we talk about, which makes me upset, and it turns into a fullblown fight. I need suggestions on how to approach this subject...

Got to do this more often

I can't believe how I neglect this blog. But you know, I've had enough on my plate the last few weeks. Here's a quick recap....pregnancy (except for having diabetes again) is going well. I'm just huge. The kids are getting big and more amazing by the day. Russ is back driving charter bus, and just returned from New Orleans, and working to get people out of the city. I guess that's what I want to blog about more than anything.

I don't understand why it took us so long to get relief efforts to the people down there. But the time for this stupid blame game is done..or at least it should be put on hold for a very long time. The most important thing now is that help is there, and there is a heck of a lot of work to be done. I thought the most poignant headline I saw today said something to the effect of "Now they're waiting to see what lies beneath the water". How true. I'm just thankful that our little family has what we have. We are so blessed.

More later.....I promise.....

Can anyone give me some advice?

It's been forever, but I've been so tired with this pregnancy. Today (and yesterday) we finally got some of the housework done. Now I've just got to finish and after that, I've got to try and keep it looking good. The baby's room needs to be finished, too. I just wish I had the energy I need. Any other moms out there that have experienced how difficult it is to have two toddlers (I know Isaac is four, but with his developmental delays, he's like a twin to 20-month-old Emma), and another baby on the way? Maybe it's been made worse by my age...I know that 42 is not too old to have a baby, but I am always exhausted!

I'm also looking ahead to this new school year. Isaac has what could be his last year of preschool. I'm not looking forward to kindergarten screening. I don't know if he'll be ready or not. Maybe with our appointment at the neurologist next month we'll get some more answers. If Isaac is autistic, maybe he could spend a year or two at Woodlane School (MRDD) in their autism program. Or maybe that's just the best place for him. I do love having him included with typical kids, but I'm not sure that, at this point, he can make it. How about some more advice...any parents of developmentally delayed children who have successfully completed potty training? We're working on a consistency basis, but no luck yet, and it's been all summer.

Come on, I need some comments!!!

Time for another posting...

I'm really getting bad at posting on this blog. I guess I just get too wrapped up in other things.

We do know now that the new baby is a boy...Ronald Lee Ewing III. I wish that November was here, and that the baby was here...this is my last pregnancy, and I'm already tired of it. I know what they say about cherishing these moments. I'd rather get to the baby moments, thank you very much!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the ministry that Russ and I have...God brought us together to spend our lives together as man and wife, as dad and mom, and as ministers together. We are sure of it. And I think I know exactly what that ministry is...to what society would consider the rejects....to the sad, the troubled, the hurting, the "different", the "challenged". My mind goes back to the days when I was considering ending this life, because I couldn't take the pressure or the guilt anymore. I remember being in the "hole" at the stress clinic....being on suicide watch, wanting everyone to leave me alone and let me die. I hear the cries of so many around me with those same thoughts. Can I tell you something, if you are one of those in need? You are not unlovable, you are loved by One far greater than time and space, One who created the heavens and the earth. And I love you as well, even though I may have never met you! PLEASE...if you happen to read this, and those thoughts of being unwanted, of being guilty, of being dirty have crossed your mind...contact me. Let me tell you that this life IS worth living, and why! Let me share with you the guilt and pain that I felt, and that I still have chance to meet with, even today. PLEASE......

More later...

Time sure flies...

Has it really been almost a month since I last posted? Everything has been so busy, with family, church, "working on the railroad" (the historic Bluebird), and more, I lose track of time.

But it has been a great month. We still don't know what the baby is...boy or girl. Actually, we tried to see in an ultrasound, but its little legs just stayed glued, and it wouldn't let us see! We do know this....the baby is VERY healthy. All of my blood tests came back perfectly normal, the baby's heartbeat is great, it was VERY active during the ultrasound......I am so happy!

Isaac and Emma are growing like weeds. Isaac has actually begun communicating more in the past couple of weeks...something is clicking somewhere! We still don't know if he is brain-damaged or autistic, because, due to some problems, we are now switching neurologists. But hopefully we will know more by fall. Maybe it's just that Isaac is taking his sweet time talking! Emma is just a little princess, and she knows it! She loves to play with her brother, to dance, to watch Teletubbies (just like Isaac), and to be goofy, just so Mom and Daddy will laugh. She is now starting to get the idea that a new baby is coming. I think she will have some problems with it when the baby is born, but we're working on getting both Isaac and Emmy ready!

Russ is, as always, working extremely hard, whether it's at the mission, at the railway, or at home. he wears me out! But finances have NOT been good, and that is frustrating for him. I help as much as I can right, with my disability and teaching some voice lessons. But it's summer time, and I had some students stop for the summer, so that's less financially. It makes me feel very guilty about not working, but I know right now that, mentally, I just can't handle a job outside of the home. He is up for a full-time position at the mission...executive chef yet to boot...but we haven;t heard anything yet. Lord, please give him some answers soon!

More later...

I'm Ba-a-a-a-ck!

It's been way too long since I posted anything, and I feel really guilty when I go blogging, and I see sites that have one or two sentences posted several times each day......I wonder what kind of lives those people have! Time moves by too quickly for me...

My pregnancy is going along great...14 weeks this Wednesday. I get a little nervous during this next month. It was at 18 Weeks that my water broke with Isaac, and all of the trouble began. I plan to just praise the Lord when I get past that 18 week mark....I know I did with my Emma! This is a great part of pregnancy, though. I've just begun to feel the little butterfly movements, and I love those. It such a feeling of life presence. Every time I get a new "wiggle", I talk to the baby, and tell him all kinds of things. I did the same with Isaac and Emma; when I do it now, Isaac and Emma just look at me, like I'm nutsy! "Mom, why are you talking to your tummy?" By the way, we are still not sure that the baby is a boy. Mommy thinks she is pretty sure, but we haven't actually checked yet!

Speaking of our kids, Russ and I have come to one conclusion about this almost 17-month-old daughter of ours: Emma may look just like her daddy and his baby pictures, but she is Mommy's little personality clone. God help her, I hope she's not bipolar like me! She is, though, a little entertainer. Just watch her when some music comes on the radio or TV; her little tushie starts wiggling all over the place, and she starts swinging her arms; she closes her eyes, smiles this silly little crooked smile, and starts spinning 'round and 'round in a dizzy circle. She is a scream. She is always wanting to be at the center of everyone's attention! Sound familiar to anyone? Theatre Departments of the future, BEWARE!

This should be a tough week for Isaac. On Wednesday, he goes to St. Vincent's Mercy Children's Medical Center for a second EEG (they didn't want to use the one from Toledo Children's Hospital!) and an MRI. His new neurologist is looking to see if Isaac's communication problems are caused by ANY brain damage that might have occurred. If he has some, then rightfully so. After all he has been through, especially two brain surgeries with his shunts and his hydrocephalus, he may have some damage. If none is found, then we go back to a rare form of autism called Connor's Syndrome. This is all just a way of clarifying Isaac's difficulties for us and for his teachers and specialists and therapists. We can know better what direction to take in teaching him speech, etc., if we know what has caused his problem. And the way I see it, we can know better how to pray for Isaac. Most of our prayers throughout Isaac's life have been pretty general at times; you know, help him to walk, help him to talk, give him strength, etc. With this diagnosis process, we can say to God (who already knows the problem, but it will make us feel better to specify it!): "Here's what is going on with my boy, Lord. Please fix it, or please give Isaac, Mom and Dad the strength we all need to work through this." In any case, we will know even more about Isaac. I swear, and many of his doctors have told Russ and I, that our medical degrees are in the mail any day now! I never dreamed I would ever know this much about pediatric difficulties! My R.N. mom would be proud.

In other news, boy, is our family busy! We are now members (and active members at that) of the Toledo Lake Erie and Western Railway ("The Bluebird"), its corporation, and so forth. Russ and I manage the depot gift shop in Waterville, and Russ is an engineer in training. Considering the fact that Russ grew up around this train (he was a member before, until he moved away and met and married yours truly), and that he loves it so. I'm very excited because, besides our church and the work we do there, this is an activity that our family can do together, even with our kids as young as they are. Isaac and Emma got their first ride on the "Bluebird" today, and they loved it! They will grow up to be train kids, just like their dad!

I'm really sleepy, so I'll write more later....