A Brand New Me

Something happened almost two weeks ago, something that I have to share. Let me share a copy of an e-mail that I've already sent out:


Charlie:

GOD IS GOOD. I am a new person tonight, thanks to His grace. Thanks so much for letting me share that personal stuff. It was difficult (to say the least), but it truly was part of my healing, just to hear myself say those words!

I wanted you to read the message (BIG message) that I sent Pastor Steve tonight. This testimony is part of my very being right now. And I want you to know how much it meant to me when you talked about everyone praying for me, whenever God brought me to their mind, and holding up their hands as they prayed, as if they were literally holding me up. I already feel those hands, that love, and that support! What a marvelous sustenance!

I can't wait to share with EVERYONE. People need to know that lives are being changed in that Prayer Center, even the lives of those many might have thought "had it all together".


Here's that letter:

Pastor Steve:

Thanks so much for the wonderful words you shared tonight in the healing service. Sorry that you had to leave, because things got very interesting once we started to pray! I guess you could say they really got interesting for me, and I have such an exciting testimony already!

I was planning on coming to the service tonight, even if I hadn't been asked to sing alto. In fact, this service has been on my heart and mind for about three weeks now. This is directly a result of what's been happening to Russ and to me lately.

I think you already know that Russ and I pastored before we moved up here. We were the pastors of my home church, or (sadly enough) what was left of it, in Celina. The Celina AG, once a thriving, moving church, had dwindled over the years to a group of about 20 elderly folks, who weren't interested in anything having to do with excitement or change, or the Spirit moving. It wasn't a great situation, and it worsened after Isaac's birth. The people decided they couldn't handle Isaac's condition, my illness, etc., etc., and they fired us. It was a very hurtful thing, and we were pretty bitter for quite a while. God has since taken care of that, and we know that God moved us here, He took what was intended for evil, and He made something good. Up here in NW Ohio, we were able to find doctors who, by God's grace and mercy, were able to save Isaac's life. We lost everything we had, but we had our beautiful blessing in the shape and form of Isaac. Now, just in the past 2-3 weeks, God has been VERY SERIOUSLY reminding us of that calling on our lives. We are looking forward to going back into fulltime church ministry. Russ has been in conference with Columbus, and Doug is helping him get his credentials back. They are even talking about me getting my special ministries credentials. Who knows what God has in store!

What most folks don't know (until tonight...Pastor Alvin and Joann were the only ones aware of this part of my life) is that following Isaac's birth and our bankruptcy, I was so guilt ridden (guilt over Isaac's problems, guilt over losing our jobs at my home church, etc., etc.), I had three nervous breakdowns over the course of four months, beginning Labor Day of 2001. I was hospitalized for a number of weeks in a mental hospital. I know first hand what they mean by "rubber room". etc. I lived it. My subsequent diagnoses were: Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Agoraphobia, and borderline Schizophrenia, leading to personality disorder. Pretty serious, huh? It was....I have been on a cocktail of medications since that time, a cocktail which is constantly being tweaked and changed, not only for my two other pregnancies, but also because of the severity of this chemical imbalance and mental illness. I have been well maintained, shall we say, for a few years now. I am on disability pay because of it. For the past year, I've been doing great. My meds are down to slight amounts of many different kinds, and that's a big change, and I've been feeling great, even through Ronnie's birth and the infections he and I both had following that pregnancy.

BUT...in the past few weeks, since God has been speaking so LOUDLY to us, Satan has taken my illness, and worsened it unbelievably. Long story short (too late, right?), it got so bad last week that my personality disorder kicked in and I don't even remember last Friday. I remember Thursday night, tucking the kids in, sending Russ to work, going to bed.......and the next thing I knew, I woke up in my bed, in different clothing, and it was a few minutes after midnight, FRIDAY NIGHT. I was petrified. The only memories (so called) that I have of that entire day was being extremely angry, and working with some pictures of ours. that's it. Russ has since told me that I was just awful, to everybody, almost to the point of being uncontrollable.

That brings me to tonight. I had already decided to attend because I have decided that I am DONE. After Pastor Matt's sermon Sunday, I confirmed in my spirit that my identity is NOT as a mentally ill person. I am a daughter of the King. I am finished with the confusion, the pain (literal pain) that the depression/highs cause, and the total disruption of my family. I am ready to wean off of these meds, and to move forward into what God has for me. I was also ready to claim grace for Emma, since this illness is one that is in most of the female members of my family. I was ready to declare the curse at an end. But God wanted me to do it publicly; He wanted me to share this secret area of my as part of my healing, taking away my shame. And I have been ashamed. I had just figured that this illness was my "thorn". Paul had his thorn in his flesh, and I had mine. But I will not accept that now. I just had to proclaim it publicly.

And I did just that. It was possibly the hardest moment of my life. But I was honest, and shared it all. The entire group then sat me down in a chair, anointed me, and began to pray, to proclaim the promises of God, and to literally stomp on the devil's head. I gave it all up, at that moment. Diane Sitter leaned over me, and hugged my head, and began to pray for God's peace, for an end to the confusion, to the shame, to the pressure. When she backed up, it felt like a ten ton weight went with her, off of my chest, and I was able to breath like I've NEVER been able to breath in my 43 year life. The freedom was incredible, Pastor Steve. The Spirit of God was so sweet in that Prayer Center, I didn't want to leave. We then began to pray for Midge, and I was able to lead out in a prayer in my spiritual language, something I've never been comfortable doing. We even ended the night singing Waymaker, believe it or not! (Bless Bryce Jennings's heart, he loves that song, and he just began to play it!).

What a night! When I got home, I shared with Russ, and he said he could sense my excitement before I even opened the door. After Russ left for work, I went in and prayed over my sleeping kids, I prayed through our hallway, the living room, the kitchen, our bedrooms, and even in the bathrooms. The cats were looking at me like "What's up?" But I prayed for the peace that only God can give, that peace that passes all human understanding, to permeate the walls, the furniture, the carpet, the cupboards, the appliances, and most importantly, to permeate our lives, our coming and our going, our wakefulness, and our sleep. Thank you Lord!

I told Russ that he has a new wife now. I am not sure if he believed that or not, (LOL), but it is true. I just had to e-mail you before bed and let you know. I have to shout this testimony from the rooftops! God is the Healer, God is our Peace, God is my Daddy, and He is proud of me and loves me, no matter what. Our family is now free of this curse that has plagued us for decades. Emma is covered by His blood, and the trouble will simply pass her over. I believe that! And all of that guilt that I felt, that I kept picking up over and over again in my way of keeping some control, was unnecessary, because He already bore it on the cross. I cannot be condemned, because I am His baby girl.

Can you tell I'm bubbling?

See you Sunday! I just had to share!!!!!!!!

Shari

:-)


So you see, I'm a brand new me. Things aren't perfect, but God is working. Of course, so is satan, but the words keep coming back to me: IT IS FINISHED!

Here are the other words that I keep singing day by day...two songs:

He gives strength to me as I worship Him,
And my mouth is filled with praise.
Jesus breaks the bands as I lift my hands,
And gives glorious liberty.

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above.
Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray,
In fathomless billows of love.

Thank You, Lord, that I am truly under Your wings.

God is Good, Even when we feel bad!

Dear Lord, what a week we have had! It all started with Isaac last Tuesday waking up with a slight temp. Before we knew it, the slight temp turned into 103 degrees. Of course, he was just feeling like....well, you know. Then on Wednesday night, I saw the rash. The doctor on Thursday said that he had a good case of strep throat. And when she saw the rash she changed it to scarlet fever. Apparently immunizations mean nothing to this boy! I mean, he had chickenpox a couple of months ago, and now this. Ronnie was diagnosed with a slight ear infection, so she put him on antibiotics, too, but Emma was fine. Fine, that is, until Friday. Her temp appeared that morning, and by afternoon, she was also diagnosed with strep, and she was vomiting in the church lobby! Woo Hoo!

Tim (Poppi) got sick Sunday with a massive ear infection. It is one of the really bad ones. His eardrum ruptured, and everything.

Now it is me. My entire body is aching, my throat is killing me, my head hurts. So, I ask you, why is it, on nights like these, that my husband wants to "spend time with me"? I told him to play his new X-Box game and relax!

Tomorrow will be a really hard day for him. The auction of his Mom's estate is tomorrow. Mom Ewing never had much, and now the state of Ohio wants 250 thousand dollars as payback for all of her years and years of Medicaid bills. But the house is only worth 40 thousand dollars. Hopefully, the lawyer says, the state will go ahead and split the profit from the house between Russ and his sister. That's after they pay Russ' uncle the 9 thousand dollars that he had in lien on the house. If he keeps his word, Uncle Bill will split that money between Russ and Rhonda, too. But, Lord forgive me, I'm not holding my breath.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves -- so-called Christians who act very holier than thou most of the time, and then cheat everybody, especially their own family. It has happened before with this uncle and his wife, and I truly believe it will happen again. Readers, friends, neighbors, pray for Russ. He wants to talk it out with his uncle, and he wants to do it in the way that God would have him do it. But there is a lot of bitterness there. God help him.

Disorganized? Who, me?

I simply cannot believe that it has been almost three months since my last entry. Sorry friends and family who check in every once in a while, but life is nuts! I've applied for jobs to go back to work, been refused, decided now to stay home. Russ has started grad school, but now has to drop out for a while because of our money situation. And he is looking for another part time job to supplement the income from the mission.

But on the exciting side, Russ has decided to get his credentials back with the A/G. I am so glad. We are now looking ahead to getting back into the pastoral ministry! This is a relief, really, because I married a pastor! I missed it, even though it is an extremely hard job to be a pastor's wife.

It does upset me greatly that I didn't get the jobs I applied for, but I truly believe this is all in God's timing. I am meant to stay with my children for now. I am meant to be a housewife. I am meant to be a pastor's wife. I know that. It just hurts to know that I am not contrbuting financially to the family like I would wish. I still have my disability monies, but it is not much.

Speaking of disabilities, I've been having a lot of trouble with the bipolarity lately. It's been so bad that I don't even remember last Friday, except for a few dreamy memories. And those memories are NOT good. Russ says that he doesn't like that Shari. I hate her, too. The stress has been HUGE, and I know that it is the largest contributing factor. I'm doing my best to reduce it (ha!).

One of my bigger reliefs comes in the package of Time McGovern. He's a program resident at Cherry Street, and he is now a member of our family, and that is no joke. He is Poppi Tim (sometimes Uncle Tim) to the kids, and he is a great big brother to Russ and I. He lives with us on the weekends, and we've informed him (and he has heartily agreed) that wherever God leads us in ministry, he is coming along. He is a true blessing to the entire family.

We've lost Moe. He isn't dead, or so we think. He's run off. He has been seen by some folks in the park, or near the park, so we are still hopeful that he could come home. If not, we hope that he has found a place to live out his years in comfort and happiness. But I really miss that LOUD meow of his in the morning!!

More later (I promise)...