Another miracle....thank You, Lord!

There are times when I think of the words to the old song (well, the Gaither Vocal Band has re-recorded it, so it's not that old, I guess) that was written by Kris Kristofferson.

"Why me, Lord? What have I ever done to deserve even one of the pleasures I've known?
Tell me, Lord. What did I ever do that was worth loving You, or the kindness You've shown?"

"Try me, Lord, if You think there's a way I could try to repay all I've taken from You.
Then maybe, Lord, I could show someone else what I've been through myself on my way back to you."

"Lord, help me, Jesus, I've wasted it so, help me, Jesus; I know what I am.
But now that I know that I've needed You so, help me, Jesus. My soul's in Your hands."

Why do I think of those words? Well, I look at the ways that God has touched my life, and the lives of my family, beginning with grandparents, then Mom and Dad (especially Dad healthwise, and Mom talentwise), and then me, Russ, and the kids.....and I can't believe that the God of the entire universe would love me so much that He would even look my way, let alone love me so much to give His life for me, and to show me Himself in such brilliant ways.

It happened again just the other week. A few blogs ago, I recounted a healing service where I am sure that God began the process of delivering me from the mental problems that I have had all of my life (go back a little in case you missed it!). Well, things have been so different, so much clearer for me. yet it is a day to day, step by step process. I have had some really awful moments since then, multiplied by the thought that "Hey, I thought God healed me of this! What's going on?"

Then my physical health has not been good, and I've finally been honest enough to say that it hasn't been good for nearly 12 months now. It began six months into the pregnancy with Ronnie, and worsened considerably immediately after his birth. Pain, bad pain in my head, hips, abdomen..."monthly" bleeding that was like bleeding to death. I actually was wearing Depends to help with that, and it was lasting 9 to 10 days every month, almost every three weeks. I've always been slightly anemic; anybody can tell that by looking at how pale I am, even after being in the sun. But the anemia is horrible. My iron count is terribly low, and I look it!

SO, about four or five weeks back, I had surgery. The OB-GYN tried to do a pap smear/check-up on me the Friday before, and found that my uterus was the size of that of a woman who was 23-24 weeks pregnant. the problem is.....I can't be pregnant, and I wasn't. There was "something " in there that was keeping her from even entering my uterus....and the pain.....AAGH!

So she performed a "removal", a "D and C", and an ablation, which literally means that she caulderized the entire inner lining of my uterus. What she removed was a LARGE amount of fleshy tissue, about the size of two softballs. It took almost two weeks to discover that they were NOT cancerous (they sent them to Cleveland Clinic, due to their size and hardness). But now, the anemia continues. I haven't had a period yet, and I may not. This may send me into menopause (FINE BY ME!) and that could be part of the problem. I am wiped out, and have been for almost a month now!

It came down to a Friday afternoon when I had had enough. Russ was so busy with the mission, working third shift, getting rest, and interviewing for a pastoral job, and he just wasn't giving me a lot of help around the house and with the kids. The kids were being normal toddlers, and were driving me up one wall, and back down again, over and over again.

Long story short.....which is impossible with me.....here is an e-mail I sent to our pastor that tells the story of possibly the greatest afternoon of my life to this point:

Actually, it had been building up for several months, with all of the illness and such that I've since six months into my pregnancy with Ronnie. It was exactly 12 months ago when the pain, etc. began, and continues. It is part of what they are checking into now, with my anemia, and everything else. At least, Praise the Lord, we know it is not cancer. That much is done. But, no matter what I do right now, I am tired, I am hurting and aching, and I am struggling.

But on Friday, I came to a breaking point, a literal moment when my mind and body said, "I quit". I couldn't stand the hurting any longer, I had kept a smile on my face for too long, in my opinion. The kids were driving me up a wall and back down again, as little ones will do. Russ was sleeping, as he does quite a bit with this third shift position. SO.....I was on my own, and I was ready to stop everything. Suicidal? To some extent, yes. I just longed for rest and relaxation. I just wanted someone to talk everything over with, someone very close to me and the situation. Russ was in bed, the kids are too young, my sister lives too far away and I can't afford the long distance, my parents and my in-laws are all in heaven now. I felt totally alone, and I wanted nothing more than to be with the one best friend that I had besides Jesus and Russ. I wanted my mom very badly. To say that I was in tears is making light of the entire situation. All I could think of was the way we used to go out for lunch, or "just for fun" shopping, and how we would talk our heads off. I thought about how I always picked up the phone and called Mom to let her know my latest news. Always. I couldn't stand it. It was extreme physical exhaustion, leading to a problem with my bipolar past, and I had NOTHING to give.....I mean absolutely nothing. So I was crying, and I was journaling on our laptop, as I tend to do A LOT! I had just written these words:

"I just need to talk to a friend, a close friend. Oh, I know that Jesus hears me. I've known that all my life...all my life, even when I wasn't really walking with Him. But right now, my faith is ebbing very low. It's like the old saying, "The heavens are as brass". It doesn't even feel like He's real right now. I pray, and all I hear is "bang, bang, bang" as the prayers come right back down and attack me".

As I pressed the period key on the computer, the phone rang. I picked up the phone, and, as usual, looked at the caller ID. I didn't know the name from Adam, so I decided not to answer. I figured if it was important, they'd call back. I didn't even make it back to the laptop before the phone rang again. Same number, same caller...so I gave in and answered.

Turns out it was Hilde Zeglen, one of the ladies who had prayed for me, and shared with me, and anointed me, and more at one of the Thursday night Healing Services several weeks ago. I shared with you about that night and the deliverance I experienced. She was calling to find out the name of the Christian psychiatrist and counselor that I go to, so that she could refer a friend of hers to them. After I gave her the information, she began to share with me lots of things, beginning with her enjoyment of my singing and music ministry, and ending with a recap of that prayer service.

She reminded me of the pledge made that night, that everyone there would pray for me everytime God brought me to their mind, so that they could be my Aaron and my Hur, and so that they could hold me up, as those men held up the arms of Moses during his weakened moments. And she said that God had brought me to her mind Friday morning. And then it began. She began to speak to me the things that God had given to her directly for my benefit.

Long story short, the things that she shared with me...only God knew those things. She had even made some notes in her Bible to share with me at sometime, and God told her Friday afternoon that NOW was the time. But she literally repeated to me everything that I had EVER been through, even going back to my toddler years, and she repeated the very things that I had been thinking, my fears, my weaknesses....all of it, down to the exact words that I had prayed to the Lord. The EXACT wording. I was flabbergasted, Pastor. If God hadn't told her those things, then she would have had to have been a fly on the walls of my mind!

Then she began to share with me the same Scriptures that some ladies shared with me at the altar a couple of Sundays ago....the same verses.....the same words. She shared with me from the 23rd Psalm, and how God WAS protecting me, with His rod and His staff...even in the very midst of all of my enemies, physical and supernatural.

Then she said that God knew that I doubted that He really heard me, that I had been thinking that prayer was really just for us, to help our faith, and that He didn't have time to really hear, that the "heavens were brass" (sound familiar?), and she said, "Shari, He's been there all along. He was there...." and she began to share specific moments in my life, again...ONLY GOD COULD HAVE KNOWN THOSE THINGS.

She asked me to find some oil and to anoint myself. Russ always keeps some anointing oil in the house, so I did as she asked. And she prayed "the house down", as some would say. And with every word, God became so real... I could feel His literal presence in the room. I could feel a literal touch. I've never been there before...I couldn't rise from my chair, and didn't for a LONG time on Friday. Once we ended the phone call (which was quite a while), I returned to the laptop, but all I could type was "wow wow wow wow"......

:)

I thank God for the Prayer Center, and for those people who are on the prayer teams. I am one who can truly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been physically and spiritually CHANGED and STRENGTHENED by the presence of Almighty God in that place, and in its people.

I can't help but talk about this. I've shared it everywhere (doctor's offices, friends' houses, neighbors, strangers). I cannot wait until I get another chance to share it. He is God alone......He was........He is.......and He forever will be! I know that my healing is a process, and that's fine. But I now have the strength (not my strength, because I have NONE) to go on. He is with us, every minute, listening and hearing everything, no matter who we are or what we are going through. The God of Creation is with ME...


See what I mean? How could I ever deserve all that He has done? But thank the Lord, He makes me His child, worthy of His love. Just the fact that His presence is ALWAYS with me, even at this moment, absolutely blows me away!

How close is He to you today? Closer than you think....or as close as you allow Him to be....

More later....

Changes....they are a-coming...

Well, since August is almost over, I'd better blog a little. I'm finding myself doing more journaling on my laptop than I am doing this. But I'll try to keep up. I know there a few of you out there who check in on this regularly!

Changes are big in this house. Russ is now an associate pastor at Solid Rock Ministries of Greater Toledo (actually in the Oregon District, east side). He officially begins next Monday with his first staff meeting, and our last Sunday at Dayspring in Bowling Green is September 10th. It is a bittersweet change, because we love the BG church, but we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the time to move. We have spent time with Pastor Keith and Shannon and their family (Solid Rock), and that only confirms it! I'll sing my final offertories at Dayspring this Sunday. Don't know what I will sing yet. I usually wait for this little "green flag"in my heart on a song.....haven't seen it yet.

And...I am now a Pampered Chef consultant. Or at least I am trying to be a consultant. My official "first month" is October, but I'm having an open house, and a couple of catalog parties in September to get me going, and to get a special sign-on bonus of some great new cutlery! Anyone out there interested in having a party? 419-669-3040 or theewings99@wcnet.org!
I'm serious! I'll take it any way I can get it!

Isaac is starting to talk up a storm! He says his ABC's (and sings them in perfect tune, mind you), his name, most of our names, and it is obvious that he's not just mimicking us. He is such a miracle. This is what we've been waiting for for almost six years!

Emma is still having some behavior problems (extremes, like hurting herself), so she is going to have a play study done at our local children's resource center, and then, depending on what they see, she may see a children's psychologist. I really think a lot of it is wanting so desperately to be the absolutely center of attention, she will go "all out"! Sometimes that makes her bang her head on the floor, even if the floor is concrete! We'll get this figured out!

Ronnie will be ten months old Friday. He has his 9 month check-up today (better late than never!). I'll be interested to see how big he is! Isaac has his school check-up tomorrow, and I will be equally as interested to see ho he has grown. Emma had a quick check with Dr. Lemon last week (for the CRC referral), and she now weighs 40 pounds on the dot, and is 39 inches tall!
I've got some tall kids!

Sometimes I wish they would grow up even faster, especially when it comes to helping pick up after themselves....but then I think.......I love my babies, and I'll miss them when they are grown. I waited so long to have them (I was 37 when Isaac was born, 40 with Emma, and 42 with Ronnie), and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

More coming up.....